OK. So in order to prove to myself that I am completely devoted to my mental/physical health and weight loss journey I am baring all (figuritively, atleast til the weight loss part pays off.) and humiliating myself into putting forth my best efforts.
Today I joined weight watchers. I feel good about this decision because it doesn't offer the quick fix that I usually go for. Just eating better and exercising. Yay me. However, I had to build a profile on WW online today. I didn't particularly love this part.I had to take a good look at what I've done to my body over the past ten years, three kids, one husband, and three billion pounds of french fries. I set my goal at one hundred pounds today. How disturbing. Now, this will put me higher than my thinnest weight but right comfortably in my completely insane "ideal" weight range and out of double digits pants. Which, in short, means that after one hundred pounds, I will still be nowhere near Top Model material. That is, of course, fine with me. My husbands motto: the curvier the better and please don't lose that butt. This is absolutely reassuring to me since at 118 lbs I had a size 2 waist and a size 10 butt which left me squeezing into a 6/8 and I still thought I was the Jabba The Hut. Now, well, I am begging for those size eight days. Alas, life is not fair.
Now that everyone knows my evil numbers and I have my head hung in shame, I am going to zumba my belly off and walk my thighs away on the treadmill for the next ninety minutes. I'll keep all of you updated, if I survive.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Mother's Day
I have to admit, most mother's days I spend looking at the cute little fingerpaintings and drawings the kids leave for me and it is all about me. I never think deeply about the bond between a mother and the child I just appreciate the sweetness. This mother's day is different, it is deeper and it makes me think...
Almost two months ago, I almost lost my mom. She spent 12 days on life support and five days beyond that living in the hospital. These were the worst seventeen days of my life. I sit here tonight and I wonder what I would have done without her. It's the question I asked every night as I cried on my husbands shoulder while she was held hostage by the ventilator with tubes in every part of her. I can not imagine my life without my mom. I can't imagine that one day on mother's day, I won't have someone to call first thing in the morning and that one mother's day is going to be my last one with her.
My mother once said that no matter how old you are when you are faced with the death of both of your parents, you feel like an orphan, a helpless child again. So today when I look at my kids, my mother's day wish is that I can live forever so my kids will never have to experience that loss and loneliness. I want to cherish every moment with them, get all of the hugs and kisses I can, and remember every minute. Most of all, today, I want to take a minute and say Happy Mother's Day, MOM I don't think I can find a word strong enough to tell you how much I love you. Here's to many more healthy, happy Mother's days, together.
Almost two months ago, I almost lost my mom. She spent 12 days on life support and five days beyond that living in the hospital. These were the worst seventeen days of my life. I sit here tonight and I wonder what I would have done without her. It's the question I asked every night as I cried on my husbands shoulder while she was held hostage by the ventilator with tubes in every part of her. I can not imagine my life without my mom. I can't imagine that one day on mother's day, I won't have someone to call first thing in the morning and that one mother's day is going to be my last one with her.
My mother once said that no matter how old you are when you are faced with the death of both of your parents, you feel like an orphan, a helpless child again. So today when I look at my kids, my mother's day wish is that I can live forever so my kids will never have to experience that loss and loneliness. I want to cherish every moment with them, get all of the hugs and kisses I can, and remember every minute. Most of all, today, I want to take a minute and say Happy Mother's Day, MOM I don't think I can find a word strong enough to tell you how much I love you. Here's to many more healthy, happy Mother's days, together.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Vanishing Twin
My children are the most beautiful thing about me and everyday I am grateful that I was given the priviledge of being a mommy. What some of you may not know is that I have another baby. An angel baby, a baby that was just too tiny and weak to come live with me, a baby that no one ever mentions. My middle son is a twin..
I found out I was pregnant very early with my second. I knew before the doctor did. I hadn't even miss a period and I was telling Daniel that I just knew we had made a baby. I was four weeks along when I told the doctor I was pregnant.. He did a test, and it was negative. I told him it was wrong. He must have thought I was crazy, but he did a blood test because I had been so adamant. He called me two days later and told me he wanted to do another test. He said my hormone levels were elevated but not enough to be pregnant. He said not to get my hopes up because he didn't think I was pregnant. Three days later, after ten home test, one urine test at the doctors office , and two blood tests, I was officially told what I knew all along, I was in fact pregnant. The doctor called it the honeymoon pregnancy because he said within days of my wedding I had gotten pregnant.
After two weeks my hormones were going crazy and the doctor scheduled my first ultrasound. As I laid there on the scratchy white paper with goo on my belly, I saw my beautiful baby. Well, my beautiful blob. It was too small to look like anything yet. The tech looked at the screen and said, " I had a feeling about you. There is the other one!"
"The other what?" I asked. She pointed to a smaller spot on the screen and showed me my another baby. She mentioned that it was smaller than the other baby and t hat she wanted to have the doctor talk to us. Immediate red flags went up, but I was so in shock I just kept repeating , "There are two..."
The doctor came in and as suspect gave us some news.He told me that since the babies were two different sizes that one of the babies might not be thriving. He said more than likely I had gotten pregnant on two different days. Apparently, there is a week between the time the first egg is fertilized and when the uterus clamps shut. In our quest to make a baby, we had obviously doubled the efforts . The doctor told me that if the baby made it passed ten weeks both babies would be fine but that I might be facing vanishing twin syndrome.
I had an ultrasound every week, and the babies were both growing. The night before my eleven week ultrasound I woke up screaming and holding my belly from a nightmare that made no sense. I kept shouting, "257 is fine but 258 is gone , it's gone." I didn't understand what it meant, The next morning as soon as the wand hit my belly I knew what it meant. I watched her search frantically for my babies heartbeats and I could only see one.
"She's gone." I said, " Her heartbeat is gone." I was positive th is baby was a girl. She didn't speak. She kept searching. She did a thermo scan and there was no heartbeat.She was still in the same position she was in at the ten week ultrasound where they said everything was going to be fine and listed me finally as a twin pregnancy. I knew before the doctor spoke.
He apologized and said he really believed it when he told me things were going to be fine last week. He held me as I sobbed into his chest and he prayed for me and my babies. The I left his chest and fell against Daniel's defeated.
They told me that I would keep having ultrasounds to check to see when the baby vanished. Week after week I went and every week I saw that baby in the same position. She appeared to be staring at me and I was helpless. I could not bring her back all I could do was stare back and cry. It was week twenty before she disappeared into the placenta. I missed her. It sounds stupid but I missed my baby, my jellybean as I affectionately called her in my belly.
People were very rude to me after my baby died. In such a time you would think people would have more sense. I got comments asking what I did wrong or saying maybe I could get my act together before I killed my other baby.Or laughing ,and making comments that weird things like that only happen to me. I also had people tell me, well it's not a real loss because atleast you have another baby to bring home and that I am lucky because I wasn't prepared to handle two more children at the same time.
What people don't think about is that every May 25 th I think about the moment I lost that baby.The day I gave birth I wondered how she would have looked at me, if they would have looked alike, what it would feel like to leave the hospital with two babies in my arms. Every time I heard my son cry or laugh I wondered what she would have sounded like. Every December I wonder what she would have looked like blowing out the candles next to her brother. I have the first outfit I bought after I found out I was having twins, I named her. She was a real baby to me and Daniel, a memory to my boys, a passing thought to everyone else, and a crazy story to people about us to a few. . There will always be a place in my heart for that baby that I never got to meet. Rest In Peace Amaris Dakota Sims
I found out I was pregnant very early with my second. I knew before the doctor did. I hadn't even miss a period and I was telling Daniel that I just knew we had made a baby. I was four weeks along when I told the doctor I was pregnant.. He did a test, and it was negative. I told him it was wrong. He must have thought I was crazy, but he did a blood test because I had been so adamant. He called me two days later and told me he wanted to do another test. He said my hormone levels were elevated but not enough to be pregnant. He said not to get my hopes up because he didn't think I was pregnant. Three days later, after ten home test, one urine test at the doctors office , and two blood tests, I was officially told what I knew all along, I was in fact pregnant. The doctor called it the honeymoon pregnancy because he said within days of my wedding I had gotten pregnant.
After two weeks my hormones were going crazy and the doctor scheduled my first ultrasound. As I laid there on the scratchy white paper with goo on my belly, I saw my beautiful baby. Well, my beautiful blob. It was too small to look like anything yet. The tech looked at the screen and said, " I had a feeling about you. There is the other one!"
"The other what?" I asked. She pointed to a smaller spot on the screen and showed me my another baby. She mentioned that it was smaller than the other baby and t hat she wanted to have the doctor talk to us. Immediate red flags went up, but I was so in shock I just kept repeating , "There are two..."
The doctor came in and as suspect gave us some news.He told me that since the babies were two different sizes that one of the babies might not be thriving. He said more than likely I had gotten pregnant on two different days. Apparently, there is a week between the time the first egg is fertilized and when the uterus clamps shut. In our quest to make a baby, we had obviously doubled the efforts . The doctor told me that if the baby made it passed ten weeks both babies would be fine but that I might be facing vanishing twin syndrome.
I had an ultrasound every week, and the babies were both growing. The night before my eleven week ultrasound I woke up screaming and holding my belly from a nightmare that made no sense. I kept shouting, "257 is fine but 258 is gone , it's gone." I didn't understand what it meant, The next morning as soon as the wand hit my belly I knew what it meant. I watched her search frantically for my babies heartbeats and I could only see one.
"She's gone." I said, " Her heartbeat is gone." I was positive th is baby was a girl. She didn't speak. She kept searching. She did a thermo scan and there was no heartbeat.She was still in the same position she was in at the ten week ultrasound where they said everything was going to be fine and listed me finally as a twin pregnancy. I knew before the doctor spoke.
He apologized and said he really believed it when he told me things were going to be fine last week. He held me as I sobbed into his chest and he prayed for me and my babies. The I left his chest and fell against Daniel's defeated.
They told me that I would keep having ultrasounds to check to see when the baby vanished. Week after week I went and every week I saw that baby in the same position. She appeared to be staring at me and I was helpless. I could not bring her back all I could do was stare back and cry. It was week twenty before she disappeared into the placenta. I missed her. It sounds stupid but I missed my baby, my jellybean as I affectionately called her in my belly.
People were very rude to me after my baby died. In such a time you would think people would have more sense. I got comments asking what I did wrong or saying maybe I could get my act together before I killed my other baby.Or laughing ,and making comments that weird things like that only happen to me. I also had people tell me, well it's not a real loss because atleast you have another baby to bring home and that I am lucky because I wasn't prepared to handle two more children at the same time.
What people don't think about is that every May 25 th I think about the moment I lost that baby.The day I gave birth I wondered how she would have looked at me, if they would have looked alike, what it would feel like to leave the hospital with two babies in my arms. Every time I heard my son cry or laugh I wondered what she would have sounded like. Every December I wonder what she would have looked like blowing out the candles next to her brother. I have the first outfit I bought after I found out I was having twins, I named her. She was a real baby to me and Daniel, a memory to my boys, a passing thought to everyone else, and a crazy story to people about us to a few. . There will always be a place in my heart for that baby that I never got to meet. Rest In Peace Amaris Dakota Sims
The View From Heaven
For months now I've been feeling off-kilter. I have been in need of something in my life. Balance? Relaxation? Brain transplant? Vacation!!! I thought long and hard about where we should go that we could bring children and they would have a good time while I still got to relax and enjoy my journey back to sanity. Florida was just too much to conquer with a baby and we only had a few days so NJ (my home state) was just too far to travel. I stumbled on a website that made me instantly smile and after much deliberation in my crowded mind, I booked a cabin in the Blue Ridge Mountains.
Now, I am by no means a full-fledged country girl being from New Jersey , but after eight years in Georgia I can get a little dirty and not squeal. However, this is not that camping trip. This is luxury camping for countrified city girls. After persuading the kids with a cabin that had air hockey, foosball, and pool tables as well as arcade style video games in the basement everyone was on board. I planned gem mining, apple picking, and train rides, but for the most part my plan was relaxation. Now, anyone that knows me, knows full well that my life is rarely relaxing. It is filled with the sweetest fighting children you've ever seen , with rushing from place to place, with a hubby that has a stressful job, and with an endless run of bad luck these days. Relaxation was much needed, but rarely achieved.Having said this, it should not surprise anyone to hear that exactly fifteen minutes down the highway our car just stops in the middle of the road and we coast to the shoulder. I pick up the phone to cancel the whole thing , but pause hopefully. The hubby pops the hood and looks genuinely pleased. Simply, a disconnected battery wire. He reattaches this and then my hero does his best to flag down someone to jump start our car. He waves the cables through the air as cars fly by and to further my distaste for society - no one stops. He continues to do this from the middle of the highway and finally my faith in humanity is restored. Out of the 70 cars that must have past us, one man stopped. As grateful as I am, being from a less trusting area of the country I smile at the man while my hand grasps the gun wedged between the drivers seat and console waiting for him to attack us and steal my purse. Of course, this doesn't happen, but I like to be cautious. My husband offers the man money and he refuses. Could good people actually be still hiding out there? Thank you wonderful stranger!
On the road again, the tension starts to melt from my shoulders and the radio blasts out every song I know in a row. Jackpot! The whole car full is singing everything from Reba to Ozzy , except for the baby who graciously slept the entire way. Three hours later, the mountain air hits me and I can feel all of the stress of life slipping away and fantasy life beginning. We pull up to this gorgeous three story cabin with huge windows that let in all the sunshine you could ask for and unpack the car.
Welcome, to my life. The first night we are there begins so beautifully. We unpack and play some games in the game room . the children are smiling as they bond with dad learning to shoot pool. I discover that I am one awesome foosball player, which until that day seemed like the most ridiculous waste of time I could imagine. (Yup, now I am hooked. ) I leave the boys downstairs to burn off their energy while dad and I start to cook dinner. Cooking dinner with your husband is such an amazing experience. I know , it sounds little and insignificant but it is the little things I have learned that make life so completely wonderful. Hubby starts up the grill and seasons the most wonderful steaks I have ever tasted while I crack open a bottle of Moscato and sip as I chop and create. (For those of you that don't know me- I am not a wine person...until now.) Sipping wine while cooking and eating with my family was definitely more relaxing than say at home where it would be... I dont want to eat at the table I want to eat in my room/the living room/ the floor and Im not eating that!!! My boys ATE their dinner. They ate steak. They have never touched a piece of meat before. Watching them tasting it and saying yummmmm was a treat for any mother. They tasted shrimp and well, atleast one like it. They cleaned their plates and took them... and ours... to the sink. We pulled out the go fish cards and played at the table. I distinctly remember the laughter and the sweetness of this time. I can see myself holding my wine glass to my chest and watching my husband and his sons giggle over this game and thinking this is the most perfect picture of sweetness there ever was. And then it started...
The kids got into pj's and we snuggle onto the couch. I get the text. One of my oldest friend writes, " Are you guys ok?" I turn on the news. Tornadoes surrounding the town we are in on every side. Storms everywhere. News reports of people dead and homes destroyed all around us and the wind picks up outside the ALL GLASS wall behind me. Great. My bad luck has followed me. It seems my car was an omen to stay home. We let the kids sleep while I gather supplies and head to the basement to prepare. Then I wrapped up in a blanket with Daniel on the couch to wait and see. We stayed up til two in the morning. Let me rephrase. I stayed up til midnight watching the weather and then feeling the safety of Daniel's arms around me and the protective vibe as he watched the maps closely I fell asleep on him. He stayed up til two until every storm had passed, again being my hero. There were tornadoes and people killed in every county surrounding us, but ours was kept completely safe.
Despite the rough start, and that the baby doesn't sleep well anywhere but at home where he sleeps a solid twelve hours every night, we got up early and started a wonderful day.Mostly , the same as the previous night, but with some hot tubbing and some pizza from downtown . I am so relaxed at this point and wondering if these mountains have magical powers. While the boys aren't at each other's throats and Daniel has the baby engrossed in Mickey Mouse, I grab a towel and head outside on the deck. I shed my inhibitions and my clothes for the first time since a random roadtrip to the nude beach with my girlfriends in New Jersey many years (and many many pounds) ago. I am high above the roads with no people for miles on the top of a mountain with a view so clear I felt nestled in fluffy, white clouds. I spread my towel out and let the sun pour down on me. The heat soothed my body and the quiet eased my mind. As I lay there in this purest form of tranquility I realized that I was alone.. I haven't been alone in eight years. I am free to read or think and to just be me. There is a sense of freedom and sensuality in stripping down (physically and figuratively ) and just being alone with yourself in nature and being perfectly at ease. This moment on my trip changed me back to the girl I was. I wanted to live life instead of going through the motions. I wanted to make my dreams come to fruition. I wanted to be actively participating in my life and my kids life instead of waiting on the sidelines for something to happen. That lasted an hour and a half, then dad informed me that my foosball championship title was in danger and I was needed to defend it in the basement.Somehow, that tired , rundown mom I was when I got there was gone and I was ready for the challenge.
On to the next phase of this trip. The great outdoors awaited Friday morning after we checked out of the cabins. First a walk through town while waiting for the Scenic Blue Ridge train ride to begin. We had breakfast at a cute little outdoor dining spot and the boys loved it. I read real estate pamphlets and sipped my tea. Could I see myself living here? Absolutely. Do I have the money to move? Nope. Onward. Immediately after breakfast, my kids want snowcones... what the heck it is vacation! By the time the train arrived the kids were practically Smurfs with blue lips , tongues and cheeks but we board and enjoy the views. Enter Mandy's bad luck. The train stops abruptly and the conductors voice booms over the speaker. It appears that since the storms the train hasn't ran and no, no one had thought to check the tracks, so after they get out a chainsaw and chop down the tree that had fallen across the path we were on we would be on our way. In the meantime, they take our picture. This doesn't seem significant on my road to self discovery, but just wait... It comes back to haunt and change me later. After we arrive at our destination, I think back to a movie that stirs emotions in me every time I watch it and just have to do something. Picture Mandy Moore in A Walk To Remember. She wanted to be in two places at once. Well, I immediately take the boys to the State line of Georgia and Tennessee and straddle it. We take pictures of our feet and giggle. Now my children have been in two places at once and they can cross that off there bucket list as something they did with mom. We explored the area and between lunch , toy shopping, and taking millions of pictures passed the day until the train boarded again. Then it happens...
"Woould you like to buy your family portrait from the beginning of the trip?" a sugary sweet , young girl says to me with a grin. I nod and ofcourse say yes. She hands me the photo. Now, Ive been taking photos the whole trip , but there have not been many taken of me. I stare down at these people. A sexy, bald man holding a cute chubby baby that looks just like him, a tall , thin boy with a silly grin , and a shorter boy with big dimples. Then I saw this woman. She was a stranger, most certainly not me. This woman was fat. Now, I don't mean fat like when I was a size six and weighed 118lbs and thought I was fat. I mean an extremely overweight person who was smiling and loved her life and that beautiful family she was there with, but was definitely not happy or healthy in this body . What had happened to me?
Let me not allow you to think I am bonkers and didn't notice that I had gained weight. I knew I did. After my oldest, I never fit into those size six jeans again. After my second son, I fit into those jeans again, but they were by no means a size six. And now, eight months after the birth of my third and final baby, those jeans that I was not pleased to be wearing in the first place are also too tight. What a mess. I cried. I was depressed and all that relaxation was shot. This had to change. The ride home, I was silent. No singing, minimal laughing and words eluded me. I had four hours of reflection on that ride.
There are so many ways this short trip changed me. First, the elusive do-gooder on the way to the mountains who restore my faith,being spared from those storms that stole so many lives, followed by recapturing my sense of self on that deck in the sky, seeing the joy in my children whether at home or on vacation and being active and playing with them more . Finally, and maybe the most important of all. The view from this heaven was wonderful, but I am in no way ready for heaven yet. I need to take better care of myself inside and out. I have too much to live for here on earth to let my life slip away. So now, the real journey begins...
Now, I am by no means a full-fledged country girl being from New Jersey , but after eight years in Georgia I can get a little dirty and not squeal. However, this is not that camping trip. This is luxury camping for countrified city girls. After persuading the kids with a cabin that had air hockey, foosball, and pool tables as well as arcade style video games in the basement everyone was on board. I planned gem mining, apple picking, and train rides, but for the most part my plan was relaxation. Now, anyone that knows me, knows full well that my life is rarely relaxing. It is filled with the sweetest fighting children you've ever seen , with rushing from place to place, with a hubby that has a stressful job, and with an endless run of bad luck these days. Relaxation was much needed, but rarely achieved.Having said this, it should not surprise anyone to hear that exactly fifteen minutes down the highway our car just stops in the middle of the road and we coast to the shoulder. I pick up the phone to cancel the whole thing , but pause hopefully. The hubby pops the hood and looks genuinely pleased. Simply, a disconnected battery wire. He reattaches this and then my hero does his best to flag down someone to jump start our car. He waves the cables through the air as cars fly by and to further my distaste for society - no one stops. He continues to do this from the middle of the highway and finally my faith in humanity is restored. Out of the 70 cars that must have past us, one man stopped. As grateful as I am, being from a less trusting area of the country I smile at the man while my hand grasps the gun wedged between the drivers seat and console waiting for him to attack us and steal my purse. Of course, this doesn't happen, but I like to be cautious. My husband offers the man money and he refuses. Could good people actually be still hiding out there? Thank you wonderful stranger!
On the road again, the tension starts to melt from my shoulders and the radio blasts out every song I know in a row. Jackpot! The whole car full is singing everything from Reba to Ozzy , except for the baby who graciously slept the entire way. Three hours later, the mountain air hits me and I can feel all of the stress of life slipping away and fantasy life beginning. We pull up to this gorgeous three story cabin with huge windows that let in all the sunshine you could ask for and unpack the car.
Welcome, to my life. The first night we are there begins so beautifully. We unpack and play some games in the game room . the children are smiling as they bond with dad learning to shoot pool. I discover that I am one awesome foosball player, which until that day seemed like the most ridiculous waste of time I could imagine. (Yup, now I am hooked. ) I leave the boys downstairs to burn off their energy while dad and I start to cook dinner. Cooking dinner with your husband is such an amazing experience. I know , it sounds little and insignificant but it is the little things I have learned that make life so completely wonderful. Hubby starts up the grill and seasons the most wonderful steaks I have ever tasted while I crack open a bottle of Moscato and sip as I chop and create. (For those of you that don't know me- I am not a wine person...until now.) Sipping wine while cooking and eating with my family was definitely more relaxing than say at home where it would be... I dont want to eat at the table I want to eat in my room/the living room/ the floor and Im not eating that!!! My boys ATE their dinner. They ate steak. They have never touched a piece of meat before. Watching them tasting it and saying yummmmm was a treat for any mother. They tasted shrimp and well, atleast one like it. They cleaned their plates and took them... and ours... to the sink. We pulled out the go fish cards and played at the table. I distinctly remember the laughter and the sweetness of this time. I can see myself holding my wine glass to my chest and watching my husband and his sons giggle over this game and thinking this is the most perfect picture of sweetness there ever was. And then it started...
The kids got into pj's and we snuggle onto the couch. I get the text. One of my oldest friend writes, " Are you guys ok?" I turn on the news. Tornadoes surrounding the town we are in on every side. Storms everywhere. News reports of people dead and homes destroyed all around us and the wind picks up outside the ALL GLASS wall behind me. Great. My bad luck has followed me. It seems my car was an omen to stay home. We let the kids sleep while I gather supplies and head to the basement to prepare. Then I wrapped up in a blanket with Daniel on the couch to wait and see. We stayed up til two in the morning. Let me rephrase. I stayed up til midnight watching the weather and then feeling the safety of Daniel's arms around me and the protective vibe as he watched the maps closely I fell asleep on him. He stayed up til two until every storm had passed, again being my hero. There were tornadoes and people killed in every county surrounding us, but ours was kept completely safe.
Despite the rough start, and that the baby doesn't sleep well anywhere but at home where he sleeps a solid twelve hours every night, we got up early and started a wonderful day.Mostly , the same as the previous night, but with some hot tubbing and some pizza from downtown . I am so relaxed at this point and wondering if these mountains have magical powers. While the boys aren't at each other's throats and Daniel has the baby engrossed in Mickey Mouse, I grab a towel and head outside on the deck. I shed my inhibitions and my clothes for the first time since a random roadtrip to the nude beach with my girlfriends in New Jersey many years (and many many pounds) ago. I am high above the roads with no people for miles on the top of a mountain with a view so clear I felt nestled in fluffy, white clouds. I spread my towel out and let the sun pour down on me. The heat soothed my body and the quiet eased my mind. As I lay there in this purest form of tranquility I realized that I was alone.. I haven't been alone in eight years. I am free to read or think and to just be me. There is a sense of freedom and sensuality in stripping down (physically and figuratively ) and just being alone with yourself in nature and being perfectly at ease. This moment on my trip changed me back to the girl I was. I wanted to live life instead of going through the motions. I wanted to make my dreams come to fruition. I wanted to be actively participating in my life and my kids life instead of waiting on the sidelines for something to happen. That lasted an hour and a half, then dad informed me that my foosball championship title was in danger and I was needed to defend it in the basement.Somehow, that tired , rundown mom I was when I got there was gone and I was ready for the challenge.
On to the next phase of this trip. The great outdoors awaited Friday morning after we checked out of the cabins. First a walk through town while waiting for the Scenic Blue Ridge train ride to begin. We had breakfast at a cute little outdoor dining spot and the boys loved it. I read real estate pamphlets and sipped my tea. Could I see myself living here? Absolutely. Do I have the money to move? Nope. Onward. Immediately after breakfast, my kids want snowcones... what the heck it is vacation! By the time the train arrived the kids were practically Smurfs with blue lips , tongues and cheeks but we board and enjoy the views. Enter Mandy's bad luck. The train stops abruptly and the conductors voice booms over the speaker. It appears that since the storms the train hasn't ran and no, no one had thought to check the tracks, so after they get out a chainsaw and chop down the tree that had fallen across the path we were on we would be on our way. In the meantime, they take our picture. This doesn't seem significant on my road to self discovery, but just wait... It comes back to haunt and change me later. After we arrive at our destination, I think back to a movie that stirs emotions in me every time I watch it and just have to do something. Picture Mandy Moore in A Walk To Remember. She wanted to be in two places at once. Well, I immediately take the boys to the State line of Georgia and Tennessee and straddle it. We take pictures of our feet and giggle. Now my children have been in two places at once and they can cross that off there bucket list as something they did with mom. We explored the area and between lunch , toy shopping, and taking millions of pictures passed the day until the train boarded again. Then it happens...
"Woould you like to buy your family portrait from the beginning of the trip?" a sugary sweet , young girl says to me with a grin. I nod and ofcourse say yes. She hands me the photo. Now, Ive been taking photos the whole trip , but there have not been many taken of me. I stare down at these people. A sexy, bald man holding a cute chubby baby that looks just like him, a tall , thin boy with a silly grin , and a shorter boy with big dimples. Then I saw this woman. She was a stranger, most certainly not me. This woman was fat. Now, I don't mean fat like when I was a size six and weighed 118lbs and thought I was fat. I mean an extremely overweight person who was smiling and loved her life and that beautiful family she was there with, but was definitely not happy or healthy in this body . What had happened to me?
Let me not allow you to think I am bonkers and didn't notice that I had gained weight. I knew I did. After my oldest, I never fit into those size six jeans again. After my second son, I fit into those jeans again, but they were by no means a size six. And now, eight months after the birth of my third and final baby, those jeans that I was not pleased to be wearing in the first place are also too tight. What a mess. I cried. I was depressed and all that relaxation was shot. This had to change. The ride home, I was silent. No singing, minimal laughing and words eluded me. I had four hours of reflection on that ride.
There are so many ways this short trip changed me. First, the elusive do-gooder on the way to the mountains who restore my faith,being spared from those storms that stole so many lives, followed by recapturing my sense of self on that deck in the sky, seeing the joy in my children whether at home or on vacation and being active and playing with them more . Finally, and maybe the most important of all. The view from this heaven was wonderful, but I am in no way ready for heaven yet. I need to take better care of myself inside and out. I have too much to live for here on earth to let my life slip away. So now, the real journey begins...
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)